if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
