Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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