No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The uberlube is also flammable
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
