My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
