these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
