i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
