So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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