He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
COCAINE IS GR8
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
