if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
