I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
