shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
