$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just want nice things and good sex
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
