We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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