I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize