im drinking this country out of the recession.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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