He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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