there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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