If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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