Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
