i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So squirting runs in the family.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
