She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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