Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
