I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
