Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
