i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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