I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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