nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
