Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
