I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize