Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
