if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
