you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
