well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
