yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
