Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How naked do you want me to be?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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