I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
