i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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