I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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