Everything about him screamed your future.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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