Your dad touched me again.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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