I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
