Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
