So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
