Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
