The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
