Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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