I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
