my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
