so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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