Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
