So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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