That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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