seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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