My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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