that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
