Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
