I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
