The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it glows. i had to have it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
