the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
