we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
