Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
