got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
