I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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